Album Review: Battery Cage – A Young Person’s Guide to Heartbreak

Battery Cage’s a Young Person’s Guide to Heartbreak is Metropolis Record’s accidental foray into emo territory. Anthony Michael Hall Tyler Newman and his friends from 16 Volt open the album with “This Party Sucks, Let’s Leave.” Setting the tone to the remaining 18 tracks.

Tyler Newman (Center) and the members of Battery Cage join the guy from Jamiroqui and his stupid hat. The band toured for three and a half hours before bitching about it and going home.

We have to give Battery Cage credit for tricking Metropolis Records into their first industrial-emo release. They beat Daniel Graves to the punch while only sounding slightly less depressing than 90 percent of VNV Nation’s catalog.

This is not Battery Cage.

A Young Person’s Guide to is what you’d get if you took Nine Inch Nails’ breakup album Pretty Hate Machine and added real guitars. In fact, Mr. Newman once told Side-line magazine, “We broke into Trent Reznor’s million dollar home in Los Angeles and managed to find a bunch of unused sessions from Pretty Hate Machine. I don’t know about you, but I liked Pretty Hate Machine. So we used that shit.”

The track breakdown is as follows:

1. This Party Sucks, Let’s Leave – Tyler bitches.

2. Hustler – Tyler bitches.

3. Single – Tyler bitches with the help of a chick.

4. I Want To Take You Home – Tyler gets laid. Bitches about it.

5. Chemically Enhanced – Tyler bitches.

6. Something Wonderful – Tyler bitches.

7. Lethal Angel – Tyler bitches.

8. We Need To Talk – Tyler tells me it’s just not working out.

9. Compulsive Behavior – Tyler bitches.

10. Music To Slit Your Wrists By – Tyler bitches.

11. Crush And Spurn – Tyler bitches.

12. You Ruined It – Tyler bitches.

13. Giving Up On It All – Tyler bitches.

14. Do You Even Remember Me – Tyler bitches.

15. Shot 23/24 – Tyler bitches.

16. All Because Of You – Tyler bitches.

17. A Desperate Cry For Help – A 2-hour drum solo that would make Tommy Lee jealous.

18. This Life Sucks, I’m Leaving – Tyler bitches about the drum solo.

19. Fatal Skull Penetration – Tyler gets penetrated. Bitches.

Overall, it’s a great album. They’re songs we can all relate to at 15, and the longest track, a 2-hour drum solo, sounds magnificent on my computer speakers. Still, those familiar with older Battery Cage’s Product or even some of his work with Informatik will be upset to know that they can’t blast this during Goth Nights at Club Manhole. I definitely give Battery Cage more credit than Spotify for putting them in the same field as Dawn of Ashes. Nobody, not even Battery Cage, deserves to be judged that harshly. Even if they are emo.

Somewhere, Tyler Newman may be reading those words. And trust me. They must sting. No matter who you are, take solace in knowing that you’ve never been compared to failed Marilyn Manson audition supergroup Dawn of Ashes.

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